Daddy.

we cant even have a full 5 minute conversation.
theres always something that comes up
where you have to "call me back" and hang up.
its always this or its that;
you never call me back though.
everytime we get off the phone
i realize that i know very little about you.
you, who provided the sperm to procreate.
you, who ive always been on time for;
yet for me, you've always been late.
you are my father.
you named me, giving me the initials of something
you've never been
D.A.D.
you weren't there when i needed you the most,
so i've learned to rely on the only one
who's been by my side the most.
Mom.
she...is my rock
and you...are my hard place.
through disagreements and disappointments
you've left an empty space in my heart.
feelings of abandonment and loneliness
arise eveytime i come to the realization
of our distance. then anger.
towards you, then myself.
how could i have let it get this far??
we speak of nothing but plans for college;
an invisible bridge that threatens to collapse
with each week passed.
and though our relationship hasn't been the best
over these past years,
i still deserve to know why your soul is
in turmoil && not at rest.
why when i call, i only get the voicemail.
it just rings and rings adn rings
until finally i get the automated lady
subliminally telling me to go fuck myself.
"your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
347-***-**** is unavailable. At the tone, please record your message."
BEEP!!!
im tired of leaving messages.
my messages and questions are left unacknowledged.
phone calls left unanswered and unreturned.
im tired of our whole situation.
if i could build a time machine,
and go back to the times when we were genuinely close,
i would do it in a heartbeat.
correct all the mistakes
and take the roads that lead away from defeat.
but i can't.
so i live with my regrets
and my feelings towards our relationship
one day at a time.
i love you,
but i cant deal with this anymore.
im walking away, but that door will always be open.
-FIN-