Thoughts of the Day.

THERE'S WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA GOING ON OVER HERE :/

XMAS

Yesterday was Christmas && I expected to get nothing. The night before I was talking to Sely and just completely bashing the holiday because of a series of events that took place within the past few days, as well as my own personal reasons and disappointments. She told me "don't worry. blah blah blah" Whatever...we left the subject alone after that. Hours passed, and whadayakno? It's Christmas! My aunt and I went to go pick up Mom & my older cousin from work; woke up the kids. OMG!! All hell broke loose. LOL Turns out Mom was able to pull through and buy 2 of the latest iPod Nano's, a PS3, and some clothes for Jaylene (little cousin). AND (drum roll) I actually got presents, which surprised the hell outta me. Mommy bought me some Victoria Secret undies && a New Moon messenger bag :) I was happy. I just still don't believe in this whole holiday bs. Call me 'Scrooge-like' if you shall. I just feel it's over-rated. I'm only with it because of the kids y'know. If I ever have kids, I don't think I'll let them fall into the trap of Christmas. I for sure won't tell'em that Santa exists. *shrugs* WHATEVER.
Oh here are the pics from yesterday...beginning with the sunrise :) ...

t e s n u S

Went through mad trouble tryna get last night's sunset :/

Final Product

Self Portraits

Sunsets

So a few minutes ago I ran upstairs going CRAZY looking for my camera. Why?? So I can take a picture of the SUNSET!!! I love them. Especially the one from today :) Idk what it is but they put a smile on my face. So here it is..

Early Christmas Pics

Remember when I said I was gonna post up the pictures from last night? Well, here they are! :)

Top Left-Bottom Right: Me & Zari, Grandma & Mom, Maisen, Sely

Top Left-Bottom Right: John(white tee), Darion(blue shorts), Zari, Sely & Mom

S A T !!!

Sooo. I took the SAT ealier this month (5dec09) and guess what!!! I got a 1530. Out of 2400...I think I did very good. I just wanted to share :) I might take it again just to see if I can get a higher score. Maybe...

Early X-Mas

So I just came home from my bestfriend's (Sely) house. The family had an early Christmas dinner so we celebrated. Major fun was had. I'll post the pics tomorrow. I'm sleepy. G'nite...

Happy Sunday :)

Happy Sunday Everybody!!

This is how I'm spending mine :)

With the lil bro. There are more pics buhh these are my fave :O

Enjoy the day!!

Done Pissed Me ( OFF )

I'm so ova-through with this female. Oh my gosh! She (my cousin) done pissed me off for the last time...this week at least. Lemme fill yall in quick fast. She just moved in with me & the other 5 people living here (brother, mom, aunt & her 2 kids). This was about 2 weeks ago. Why is it that just because she is blood related to my mother ( even that I'm not extra sure about), she feels that she can get real comfortable here. The fuck?!? Nahh boo. Shxt aint sweet 'round here ma.

Today she took my cell phone WITHOUT me knowing & has been gone for a good 4 hours. IM PISSED!! When I called her, she got upset talking 'bout "Don't rush me. Blah blah blah" Uhmmm. You're getting mad at me because I want MY phone that YOU took without my knowing? Where dey do dat at?? Had the nerve to curse & all. Talking 'bout "Fkc my hair. Fkc my application. I'm coming right now." Smh. Then she called my mother about an hour later to let her know she was soon on her way back to the crib. Two hours later, shorty's still not here. So I called her off my aunts phone; no answer. I ran upstairs to mommy's room real quick and called her off that number. She picked up. Mom told her off && was like get over here now. Oh BTW, shorty is 22. What I don't understand is why you're 22 w no phone of your own, but you talk to a whole bunch of niggas and none of them can get you one?? Smh. WTF?!? Ugh....ova-through.

*sidenote: its 1039 and shes still not here with my damn phone.

Goodbye '09

Okay, so the year is almost finished && guess what? I'm glad. There has been way too much drama in '09 for my taste. Smh. Just yesterday, 2 people were stabbed in my school during one of the three lunches. Also a young man has admitted to abusing his girlfriend's 23-month-old daughter. He also attended my school. Familial drama, friendships either damaged or ended; UGH I'm just so through with 2009. How about you? I'm hoping that this year doesn't end with another disappointment...I'm REALLY hoping for that. Other than that, all I can say for '09 is good riddance. I have no regrets && I can honestly say that I'm gonna be happy regardless :)


-jah bless-
xoxo DOMO! xoxo

Broken Hearted :(

My pink jelly headphones died last night. Or maybe this morning. I don't know when exactly. But they died none the less. RIP my love :(

Maybe since it's Black Friday, I'll go pick up a new pair.

Maybe.

Speak To My Soul, My Mind, My Heart.

I think I've given up on Hip-Hop. These past few years, more like a decade, have been filled with bubble-gum rap and lyrics full of "bitches, hoes, guns, money, and whips". Smhh. What happened to having a message behind the rhymes? What happened to trying to uplift the listeners?? I don't understand. I truly don't. This dilemma is what has me constantly listening to Rap from the 80s and 90s (early-mid 90s). HOWEVER... as of late, I've come across two young men who I just can't get enough of, musically speaking. They are Wale and J.Cole. I admit to downloading Wale's album instead of buying it, but the album is BANGIN!!! He speaks about real ish && I LOVE IT. J.Cole is my new love. I've listened to 2 of his mixtapes && I must say, he's breath of fresh air. Both of them are. Trust that both Wale and J.Cole stay on repeat on my laptop & my ipod. I love that both of them portray themselves in their music. They don't demean women, but they speaks truths of women. I love their rhymes && lyrical wordplay. They develop stories through their music && trust that I'm enthralled in each and everyone of them. I encourage you to take a listen (:

Poetry :)

Lately I've been on my poetry ish. I've been enjoying watching youtube videos of poets from Brave New Voices, HBO's Def Poetry Jam, Write Side Poets, and other venues. I'm in love with certain poets' words and their minds, which I think is most important and most beautiful in a person. The way these poets lace simple words with metaphors that create images in my mind...I'm just in awe at times. So I'm gonna post pics of some of them that have inspired me to continue writing when I couldn't go on and get free<3

Shihan - "This Type Love"

Jasmine Mans - "His Daughter"

Gemineye - "Poetic Bloodline"

Brook Yung - "Change"

Alexis Marie - "Corner Boys"

Ehh

So I know I said I only wanna share my poems on here, but I cant help myself. I will continue to blog the way I was doing it in the first place. Such is life where I can make decisions and go back on them. *sigh* LOl

Anyway .... off to school

Adios!!! <3

Nile.

truly misunderstood

maybe hes looking for attention

but he take the wrong approach

instead he cries over the most miniscule of things

causing aggravation and frustration

i love him

all 3 feet and 7 inches of him

from his toes right up to his dome

but he doesnt know when to pause

and to stop and to collect himself

he just does what he does best

CRY

its annoying, but he is mine

although he has his faults

his personality far outshines

his smile is contagious and full of innocence

his love for family is outrageous and beautiful

his thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated

and his ability to remember

is both a blessing and a curse :)

but he is mine; my little brother

and i love him

-FIN-

Decisions, Decisions

I've been making quite a few decisions lately, &&. I'm proud of myself.

I want to turn this blog into a place where I share my poems and ONLY my poems, even though I don't write as much as I want to.

I plan on letting my hair grow out...back to natural for me. Yay!!!

I'm doing the 3year program in my high school and I've been succeeding in reaching my goal :)

Let me give you a taste of what my schedule looks like so far:

• Regular school from 740-240
• Night School on Mondays & Wednesdays from 500-700 (Earth Science)
• Spanish I && II online from whenever-whenever

Honestly there are some days where I just feel really burned out. But I realize that I have to get through the storm in order to get to the better days :)

Jah Bless

Daddy.

we cant even have a full 5 minute conversation.
theres always something that comes up
where you have to "call me back" and hang up.
its always this or its that;
you never call me back though.
everytime we get off the phone
i realize that i know very little about you.
you, who provided the sperm to procreate.
you, who ive always been on time for;
yet for me, you've always been late.
you are my father.
you named me, giving me the initials of something
you've never been
D.A.D.
you weren't there when i needed you the most,
so i've learned to rely on the only one
who's been by my side the most.
Mom.
she...is my rock
and you...are my hard place.
through disagreements and disappointments
you've left an empty space in my heart.
feelings of abandonment and loneliness
arise eveytime i come to the realization
of our distance. then anger.
towards you, then myself.
how could i have let it get this far??
we speak of nothing but plans for college;
an invisible bridge that threatens to collapse
with each week passed.
and though our relationship hasn't been the best
over these past years,
i still deserve to know why your soul is
in turmoil && not at rest.
why when i call, i only get the voicemail.
it just rings and rings adn rings
until finally i get the automated lady
subliminally telling me to go fuck myself.
"your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
347-***-**** is unavailable. At the tone, please record your message."
BEEP!!!
im tired of leaving messages.
my messages and questions are left unacknowledged.
phone calls left unanswered and unreturned.
im tired of our whole situation.
if i could build a time machine,
and go back to the times when we were genuinely close,
i would do it in a heartbeat.
correct all the mistakes
and take the roads that lead away from defeat.
but i can't.
so i live with my regrets
and my feelings towards our relationship
one day at a time.
i love you,
but i cant deal with this anymore.
im walking away, but that door will always be open.
-FIN-

Wifey.

Seems like everytime I talk to her, I'm left feeling drained.

I just spent the last hour and a half researching GED programs for her

being that her computer isn't working.

We caught up on some things, while other topics were left

untouched.

I miss her. That's my best friend.

&& I love her to the point that I call her wifey.

Vice versa, she calls me hubby.

You know when you reach the point where

you feel as if you can't save everybody??

I'm at that point with her.

We've been through so many things,

even after I moved to Florida.

&& we're going through more drama now.

I love her to death, but I'm tired.

I feel like it's time for her to step up &&

take responsibility for her life.

'Cuz I won't be with her forever.

Understandable, right??

For "HIM" < 3

have i been miserable? no.
i just think about u constantly.
wondering what ur doing? who ur with?
do u think of me; miss me?
we speak.
more like keypads pressed into words.
u say "howve u been?"
19 presses. 8 letters.
"i miss you"
19 presses. 8 letters deleted.
barely scratching the surface of how i truly feel.
i say instead "ive been good. just taking care of business"

-FIN-

Happy Birthday to Me !!!!

well actually my birthday was yesterday (19October) but you get the point. LOL

although alot of people forgot or were just extra late with their best wishes

i had an incredible day yesterday.

i didnt get to take any pics but i do have video, courtesy of my best friend (Sely)

&&. her sprint phone (:

so heres part one of the birthday toasts

http://bit.ly/18unuF

&& heres part two

http://bit.ly/2v039M

ENJOY !!! <3>

DerrionAlbert. *2*

I'm taking the video of the murder off of the blog.

In all honesty, if you, as the reader, are really affected by the tad-bit of the story

that was put on the blog, as well as the piece I wrote,

I believe that you'll take enough initiative to look up the video on the Internet.

I really just don't want the video on here anymore.

It's just really gruesome, and rather disturbing.

RIP Derrion. I'm sure you're in a much better place than we on Earth are.

Oh inspiration. Wherefore art thou...

*I am sporadically inspired*

Since my last post, I've had many ideas but no full, postable pieces.
Why must inspiration evade me as such??

Derrion Albert.

Last week, this young man was killed in the streets by a group of kids. He was kicked, punched, and beaten. I won't explain anything else. WARNING: The video is VERY graphic.

VIDEO DELETED!!!!

Derrion Albert.

They killed a young boy today. Derrion Albert was his name.

Sixteen years on the Earth & now he's lying in a hearse.

A college bound junior; honor roll student at Fenger High School.

Four blocks away from the school, he tried to help another kid, maybe a friend.

He was getting jumped, that's the new trend, you know.

I don't know him personally, or through an acquaintance. In fact, I don't know him at all.

But I watched the video of his mother, and then I watched the video of his ended life.

I cried tears of pain and sorrow for him, his family, and those lost souls.

You could hear people screaming for him to get. Get Up! Stand Up!

That's what Chi-town needs to do.

Stand up and take notice that sh*t like this doesn't fly.

Stand up and take the initiative to make the city a better and safer place.

They left him dying, ran down the streets, and kept fighting;

not knowing they had just taken away a life.

No arrests, "no witnesses", nobody's stepping forward.

The last time this mother saw her son was in the city morgue and nobody's stepping forward?!?

What exactly are you fighting for? Blocks and streets and colors?!?

When you're dead, what does it all matter?

They killed a young boy today. Derrion Albert was his name.

I never knew him, but I'll never forget him.

*UPDATE* Four suspects have been arrested and charged with first-degree murder as of Monday 28 September 2009. One has already confessed that he DID stomp on Derrion's head although Derrion NEVER striked him.

Life.

Life takes you on a journey through the bad so that you can appreciate the good.

I've had to learn that quite a few times in my nearly seventeen years of life.

Vegetarian.

Though I'm not a vegetarian, cruelty is

catching a fish just to toss it back into the pond.

I Am.

After searching for inspiration for my writings...I've finally found it. In a line by Charles Hamilton from the song "Speak No Louder" he said somethng that inspired me. I've heard this song a billion times, figuratively speaking, but this morning the line struck a chord that's been sitting unmoved for some time.

I Am

I am her; an image of Him. I am "us".

I'm a product of my environment, of them.

I am never a victim.

Stronger than ever. Stronger than yesterday. I am Strength.

I'm a voice.

A body that curves like a coke bottle.

A face that displays an exact replica of the man I call Daddy.

A spirit unbroken. A soul never folding, but also conflicted.

I am a mixture of Earth, Water, and Fire; white and red blood cells.

I am a mind that never resides in a cell.

I am a woman.

I'm a Black "sistah" with the blood of enslaved ancestors running through my veins.

I am a set of eyes that pour heavy rains.

I am who I am; myself.

I...am a poet.

Writing.

Seems like lately I can't write.

Either there's no inspiration or I just can't finish whatever writing I started.

I love to write poetry. I've been doing that since I was young.

Seems like the older I get, the less I write.

I just wish my inspiration was constant.

It feels good to write.

I let everything out; all my ill feelings and emotions.

I just want to get back to writing.

Sorry.

Im sorry.

Im sorry that can't be the perfect girl for you.

Im sorry that we're on completely different paths.

Im sorry that Im not what you wanted.

And Im sorry that you didn't really give 'us' a chance.

I miss you.

Self-Reflection Part2

Death.

Im not afraid of it ... nor am I thrilled about its existence. But I do however realize that it is a part of life &&. is what I believe to be the only thing guaranteed in each person's life. This may sound weird but I know (( for a fact ] that I wont stay long on this earth. I cant explain it but I feel it. For years now Ive known but about 2 years ago I acknowledged &&. accepted that Ill die young. I dont know exactly when Ill die but I have a feeling of how. I believe that guns will be involved. I dont know for sure if they were warning me but the dreams I was having 2 November's ago really led me to believe that I was going to die by way of a gun. Even before I would fall asleep completely I would feel the butt of a gun either at my lower back or the back of my head. At that point in time I was afraid to fall asleep because I thought I would die in my sleep. From what I understand once you say something, you will it into existence. Ive said before &&. will continue to say that I'm going to die young. Im not afraid &&. Im ready for whatever.

xoxo

Self-Reflection

Ive come to realize that I'm not the same person I used to be. Ive definitely changed &&. Ive grown up. I used to really care about what people would think and say about me ... but now I dont. Ive been labeled ... I mean, who isnt??? Whore.Slut.Fat.Loose.Stupid. Those are some of my labels &&. yuhh know what?? I dont give a fkc. I love my life; even with the drama. Nothing in my past or present is going to keep me from living &&. loving my future. I refuse to let what people say about me keep me from putting a smile on MY face. Ive done some things in my life that Im not proud of but I regret nothing; only because at that moment, in that instant it was what I wanted. I have but ONE life to live &&. Im not going to let it go to waste just because Im afraid of someone else's opinion of the situation or myself.

xoxo

dreams.

honestly...i never knew how much your daily life inflences the dreams you have at night. i just woke up from a dream that included some actions of mine &&. those around me for the past 3 days. im not really going to go into details but let me tell you...it was mind-blowing. alot of statements that were either made by me or someone i was talking to were repeated in the dream. it kinda freaked me out.

*random post*

babies.

woah. really i think this is the new epidemic. babies having babies. its rather hard for me to watch all these young girls having babies. kuhz really all im thinking is "damn, another statistic". straight up. i hate to say it like that but its the truth. from what ive learned over the years teenage mothers have it hard trying to accomplish their goals in life. honestly i cant count on one hand how many girls wound up pregnant during the 08-09 year at my school. not to mention those few who had abortions or miscarriages. smh. it really hurts my heart to see all these young girls having to take on the responsibility of becoming mothers. idk about you but im afraid to be a teenage mom. not bashing those that (are-were-will be) but thats just not my cup of tea. so i can only imagine what girls must be feeling when the test shows a (+) sign. idk but in my opinion girls need to start investing in codoms and birth control pills. don't always rely on the boy your messing with to provide the protection.

listen uhpp ladies .

ladies listen up. you're beautiful. gorgeous. intelligent. but really, yall need to start believing that && in yourselves. believe that if you set your mind on doing something, you can achieve it. don't let someone else dictate how you're going to live your life. no matter what age you are. --- no, i am not condoning disrespecting the authority figures in your life, just saying learn to take initiative in your lives. that's all i'm saying. respect yourselves &&. your bodies. they're temples &&. should be treated as such. don't let just any nigga or female --if thats what you're into-- hit it. if anything...make 'em work for it. they gotta earn the cooch, feel me??. just because he said you're beautiful, or he's buying you little gifts don't mean you HAVE to give it up. no matter what he says. there's no need for women to leave their homes with clothes on leaving nothing to the imagination of those looking. be classy. even if you're just rocking jeans &&. sneakers. be classy about it. no need to be an attention whore. take pride in yourself. love yourself. &&. dammit look yourself in the mirror everyday and tell the girl in the mirror that you love her and that she's beautiful.

michael jackson.

okayy. honestly, if yuhh didnt know that Michael Jackson passed away ... you've been living under a rock. even though i didn't grow up listening to him like my mother did, i have so much respect for this man. he's a true musical genius and has directly &&. indirectly influenced me. obviously i am not thee only person affected by his death - whether negative or positive - buht i know for sure that real music died when Michael died. since the day he passed i've been keeping up with all the news and coming legal battles &&. in my opinion, his death has become a media circus. quite a few news channels and websites have decided that they will not only report on the singer's death, buht also trudge up old controversies and dramas. i happen to think that it so unnecessary &&. disrespectful to speak ill of the dead. for me when yuhh say Michael Jackson, i think of a man who just wanted to please people &&. make others happy. when yuhh say Michael Jackson, i envision a musical genius who broke cultural barriers. buht i also think of a man that obviously had too many problems in his lifetime. i only wish someone had spoken to him extensively &&. had been there before he self-destructed. my question for yuhh as the reader--- why try to tarnish a man's reputation even though he's no longer around to defend it??. smh

RestInHeaven Michael. Yuh will be missed <3>